Spoil the Child

My mom told me a story when I was seven, about a boy whose parents gave him everything he wanted, whenever he wanted it. The story was probably apocryphal — she said she read it in a Chinese language newspaper. But it’s stuck with me all these years. Here it is, as I remember it:

There was a spoiled boy whose parents bought him everything he wanted. They didn’t have money, but it didn’t matter. They would work extra shifts, extra jobs, or go hungry so their little boy could have any game system, any shoes, anything he wanted. He grew up to be lazy and shiftless, always expecting everything to just fall into his lap because he wanted it. Eventually, his parents couldn’t keep up with his demands fast enough, so he turned to a life of crime — stealing things he wanted. He was caught and put in prison.

One day, when his mother visited him in prison, he asked her to lean in close so he could whisper a secret. She put her ear up to the bars, and he said “This is all your fault!” And then he bit off her ear.

Why did my mom tell me this when I was just seven? I was probably begging for some expensive toy. Her story stopped me cold, maybe for being so gruesome. Bit her ear off? Really? Why? I didn’t understand it. Why did he blame her? Didn’t she give him everything he ever wanted?

My mom told me that was the problem. Spoiling the child. Giving him whatever he wanted, so he never had to work for it or think about how to do anything for himself. He blamed her for never teaching him about consequences.

This lesson is an apt analogy for what’s happening in our society today. Those to whom we give the most social help: welfare, Section 9 housing, WIC, subsidies for public schools with the largest proportions of impoverished children, food stamps are also the ones most likely to go on to commit crimes. Then, who do they blame? Who are they taught to blame? The very government that gave them endless subsidies instead of impressing on them the necessity and value of being self-sufficient. But perhaps these lessons would be lost on them anyway — then what?

Think about how we are required to speak of those who commit crimes:

• Their mothers didn’t get good prenatal health care

• They live in food deserts, unable to buy fresh produce

• They didn’t have access to good schools or good programs within those schools

• They need more community centers/after school programs

• They were funneled into the school-to-prison pipeline

• They’re victims of over-policing and police brutality

• Drugs and guns were flooded into their neighborhoods

• They just need jobs and job training programs

• They’re victims of systemic racism and white supremacy

• They just need more resources

Now think about what’s missing.