The List

Don't ask her for a list of chores, do all of this first

It’s a common frustration for wives or girlfriends that their male partners will say “I want to help, just give me a list” instead of looking around to figure out what needs to be done around the house. In an effort to save millions of frazzled women the effort of making a list from scratch, I’ll provide one here. Don’t bother her, don’t ask her for a list until you’ve done each and every item on my list, got it? Let’s go.

Tidying

On a day when she’s done the tidying and put everything in its place, perhaps for guests or a special occasion, take pictures of each room carefully. Stand in the center of the room and take a picture while facing each wall. Take closeup pictures of the following with its contents:

• shelves

• drawers

• cabinets

• closets

• storage boxes/containers

Basically, get a good idea of where each and every item in the household belongs. To tidy, return all items to their rightful place, referencing the photos you’ve taken.

More specifically: begin in a room of your choosing. Iterate through every item in the room to determine whether or not it belongs where it is. If not, return it to the place where it belongs. Repeat for all rooms. At the very least, do this for your things: put your shoes and coat away, gather all your socks and put your dirty laundry in the hamper, etc.

Kitchen

During the tidying step, every dirty dish in the house should have been put either in the sink or the dishwasher. Now:

• run the dishwasher or do all the dishes in the sink

• scrub the entire sink, with soap, rinse, make sure it gleams and there remains no trace of food, mold, grease or anything else

• empty the food trap at the bottom of the sink/run the garbage disposal (while the water is running)

• clean off all surfaces (kitchen table and all counters, area around the sink, etc) in the kitchen with a clean rag and spray or Clorox wipes

• clean the stove and range hood with industrial de-greaser

• wipe off and shine all vertical surfaces like fridge door, oven/microwave doors, cabinet doors until they gleam

• wipe off all handles (fridge door, microwave door, oven door, etc) until they feel clean to the touch

• look through the fridge for any moldy, rotten or expired food, dispose

• as needed, wipe off and/or deep clean any surface inside the fridge including on the door, inside drawers, underneath drawers, on and under shelves

• take out trash, recycling, compost whenever full (ie, nearly touching the lid)

• clean out trash, recycling, compost containers with bleach. Dry. Replace liners.

Bathroom

• clean bathroom mirror with glass cleaner

• remove every item around the sink and scrub until it gleams. Dry. Replace items around the sink.

• refresh the linens: put the towels and hand towels in the wash, replace with fresh ones

• clean the toilet: scrub the inside with toilet bowl cleaner, wipe dust off all other surfaces. Clean the seat with rubbing alcohol.

• clear the shower/bathtub drains of any clogs

• scrub the shower/bathtub with bleach or other cleaners until all surfaces shine

• take out bathroom trash, clean can, replace liner

• refill supplies: backup toilet paper rolls, hand soap, body wash etc

Laundry

During the tidying step, all dirty clothes were collected for laundry. If full, run it

• wash colored and whites separately

• consult the care tag on clothing items that aren’t yours to ensure correct wash/dry cycle is used

• empty lint trap before (or after) using dryer

• fold and return all clean clothes to their proper storage place

Bedroom

• refresh bed linens: change sheets, pillowcases, duvet cover, etc

• replenish as needed: flowers, candles, facial tissues etc

• clean and replenish bedside water decanter(s)

Throughout the house

• sweep, vacuum, mop the floors as appropriate for floor surface

• scrub baseboards and treat any dirty spots on walls with magic eraser

• dust/clean any surfaces and/or trinkets, wiping individually if needed

• clean any mirrors and/or windows using a lint-free cloth and glass cleaner

• launder or clean rugs, as needed

• clean and polish all door handles

• oil any squeaky door

• use a lint roller on any fabric surface to remove pet hair, etc

• dust any light fixtures, lamps, chandeliers, ceiling fans

• dust or wash any window shades or curtains

• ensure all pictures and art hang straight, clean any glass in frames with glass cleaner, dust the frames

• clean any computer monitors or TVs with a microfiber cloth

• wipe down remote controls

• with compressed air, clean out any keyboards

• water plants as needed

Finishing up

• empty vacuum cleaner

• make note of any supplies needed from the store (e.g. bleach, dishwashing detergent, laundry detergent, toilet paper, paper towels, trash bags, etc)

• Air out each room, Febreeze or light a candle

If you do everything on my list instead of asking your wife or girlfriend what you should do, it should probably be sufficient.

Here are some general tips that will also be helpful, moving forward:

Obviously, if she redirects your efforts, listen to her over me. You don’t need to know the exact priority of each item. Just begin doing things that you honestly believe would make more of a difference to her given everything you know about her preferences. If you have no idea, start paying attention to what she focuses on first. Maybe it’s tidying. Maybe it’s dishes. Watch how she operates and figure it out.

If she is upset with the quality of your work, take it seriously, as if you’re working a job you cannot afford to lose. After all, your relationship is at least as important to you as a job, right? What would you do if your boss told you your work is substandard? Watch her do it, pay attention as she explains, ask clarifying questions, take notes and pictures to remind yourself of the correct way. Above all, don’t argue. No petulance. Don’t whine like a child. Don’t throw up your hands and exclaim “If you don’t like how I do it, then do it yourself.” You are not a child — behaving this way will make her lose all attraction to you. You should want to do a good job, because you want her to feel at ease in her own home.

The absolute bare minimum is asking yourself “What would this home look like if I weren’t living here” and maintaining at least that standard. Don’t make extra work for her by leaving your belongings around: piles of dirty laundry and socks, trash and unwashed dishes. Put all of these things where they belong as soon as you’re done with them. Don’t leave the toilet seat up, shit stains in the toilet or facial hair trimmings and toothpaste spatter around the bathroom sink. Put the cap back on the toothpaste. If you track dirt into the house, clean it right away. If you eat the last peach or use finish the toilet paper, replace it before she notices. You don’t want her to be reminded of your existence in all of these negative ways, do you?

I guarantee if you do all of this as I’ve detailed, she will have very little to complain about, at least in the house chores department. Good luck!